Love the USA?

 

My Gallery of Pictures

Feel Nasty?

Bus page

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Send mail to webmaster at dick-o_dot_com with questions or comments about this web site.
Copyright 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004   

1Net Web/dick-o
Last modified: March 23, 2004

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
_________________________________________________________________
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
_________________________________________________________________
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
_________________________________________________________________

There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
_________________________________________________________________
Life is sexually transmitted.
_________________________________________________________________
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
_________________________________________________________________

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
_________________________________________________________________

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
_________________________________________________________________

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
_________________________________________________________________

Get the last word in: Apologize.
_________________________________________________________________

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
_________________________________________________________________

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
_________________________________________________________________

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
_________________________________________________________________

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing ! UFOs lik e they use to?
_________________________________________________________________

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
_________________________________________________________________

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
_________________________________________________________________

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
_________________________________________________________________

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
_________________________________________________________________

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
_________________________________________________________________

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
_________________________________________________________________

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. _________________________________________________________________

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? _________________________________________________________________

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? _________________________________________________________________

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? _________________________________________________________________

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? _________________________________________________________________

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? _________________________________________________________________

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? _________________________________________________________________

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? _________________________________________________________________

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? _________________________________________________________________

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say it's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? _________________________________________________________________

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? _________________________________________________________________

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? _________________________________________________________________

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? _________________________________________________________________

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? _________________________________________________________________

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? _________________________________________________________________

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch, but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks? _________________________________________________________________

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? _________________________________________________________________

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything? _________________________________________________________________

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food? _________________________________________________________________

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things. _________________________________________________________________

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women? _________________________________________________________________

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to? _________________________________________________________________

Can you cry under water? _________________________________________________________________

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? _________________________________________________________________

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" Where's that extra penny going to? _________________________________________________________________

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? _________________________________________________________________

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? _________________________________________________________________

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? _________________________________________________________________

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? _________________________________________________________________

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? _________________________________________________________________

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. _________________________________________________________________

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? _________________________________________________________________

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? _________________________________________________________________

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! _________________________________________________________________

Why is it that brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever? _________________________________________________________________

ROOM 302

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person
who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is
getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken
off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if s he continues this
improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful
news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.
_________________________________________________________________

Golf Course Bears
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to
take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on their clothing to alert (but not startle) the bears. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear
and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are
smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
_________________________________________________________________

Here are the top ten comments made by sports commentators that
they would like to take back:
_________________________________________________________________

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during
her warm up and it was amazing."
_________________________________________________________________

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a
lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
_________________________________________________________________

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,
truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical
to the one in front of the similar one in back."
_________________________________________________________________

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents,
especially my mother and father."
_________________________________________________________________

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and
even some deaths in boxing - but not one of them really that serious."
_________________________________________________________________

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should
think we can expect the same thing again."
_________________________________________________________________

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition
doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
_________________________________________________________________

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC-TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't
that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
_________________________________________________________________

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
_________________________________________________________________

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is
playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said."
_________________________________________________________________

HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him
what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

on the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed
distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came
to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to
confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying
and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

_________________________________________________________________

HIS DIARY

Today the Patriots lost, but at least I got laid.
_________________________________________________________________

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars.
The bookkeeper was deaf, which was considered an occupational benefit. Since it was
assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to overhear anything, he'd never
have to testify about finances in the courtroom. That was why he got the job in the
first place.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million,
he brings along his attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper,
"Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
Using sign language, the attorney asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind
the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"



The attorney replies, "He said you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
_________________________________________________________________

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home,
he squandered the weekend and his pay partying with the boys, never calling his wife.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a furious
wife. After a couple of hours of yelling and screaming, his wife asked,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?

He responded. "That would suit me just fine!!"

So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same result. On Thursday, the swelling went down enough
so that he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

_________________________________________________________________

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off.
Otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then
the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for
men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping their hands...
_________________________________________________________________

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said

"As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't have worms."
_________________________________________________________________

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store

to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:

'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes... Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
_________________________________________________________________

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging
a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses
his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a
set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys,
then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy
handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the
hell happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While
he is telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in
sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear
and says, "This just ain't your day."
_________________________________________________________________

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out
to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination
man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into
the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial
insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows
until she sees the nail,and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed that this city girl knows so much about cows the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

As she walks away she says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
_________________________________________________________________

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance
rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show
others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

..O...o

..and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor,
I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

..o...O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ."
_________________________________________________________________

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears
out of nowhere"
_________________________________________________________________